Depression, grief

I've been feeling very down lately.  Maybe the weather is partly to blame.  It has been pretty gloomy out.  I just wonder if I will ever get ahead of this depression and PTSD.  At times it consumes me.  I feel disconnected, alone, and sometimes frozen.  Sometimes I don't feel as if I should be sitting in my living room.  I guess a better way to describe it is, I feel as if I don't belong.  I feel blocked most of the time.  I am seeing a counselor.  I still think my meds are not quite right.  But, they have been worse.  I have recently started a weight loss class with the VA.  I wish I could just snap out of it.  Wake up one day and just feel happy again.  No crushing weight on my chest.  I know it doesn't work that way.  I just wish it did.

My grandmother died this week.  I was not very close with her.  But, it still hurts and I still grieve.  I know she is in heaven now and her pain is gone.  I hope my mom and her siblings are doing ok.  Mom says she is ok.  I hope she is.  I just worry about her.  I am not able to travel back home for the funeral.  That makes me kind of sad.  My mom told me that while she was going through my grandmother's stuff she found letters I sent from Iraq.  I was very surprised that she kept them (since we were not very close).  I guess I meant more to her than I realized.  I guess she meant more to me than I realized.