Drop in daycare

Finally got brave enough to set up an appointment for my son to go to drop in daycare.  I stressed about leaving him there all day with someone I don't know.  But, in the end I knew it would be fine and he would probably do better than I would.  Also, I needed to get some things done.  I dropped him off this morning.  He seemed to do well right away, was able to leave mommy and go find the toys.  I tried to sneak out but he caught me.  A little while later I was able to successfully sneak out.  Oh what to do with this whole day to myself????  Hmmmm.  Well, I got my son and I packed for a trip to visit family.  And I didn't even need to take a nap!  (This is a pretty big accomplishment for me.)  My husband will be staying home to work.  :(  I did pretty well myself.  I only called once to check on him!  Yeah!  That was a pretty big triumph for me.  Even though I got a lot done I missed my son very much.  It sounds like he did awesome at daycare!  Played hard and even took a nap!  The daycare lady even sent home a report card for him!  Oh, my baby's first report card!  Almost made me cry. 

When my husband brought my son home he was all tuckered out.  The only thing that would get him off my lap was a peanut butter cup!  He even crawled into bed all on his own.  I'm so glad I decided to try this out.  I will definitely use this service again!

Such a good day!  A day full of firsts and accomplishments!

Spring/Toddler bed

Spring is on my mind today.  Maybe it is the beautiful sunshine we have had the past few days.  Maybe it is the promise that warmer days will soon be here.  I love spring.  All the new green plants and trees awakening is such a wonderful thing.  I cannot wait for the new greenery to appear! The promise of spring, a promise of rebirth and renewing.

I, like many people find they have more energy and better mood with he warmer weather.  We have not had a bad winter this year.  But, I am still ready for the warmer weather to be here.  My psychiatric nurse practitioner gave me a light box to help improve my energy and my mood.  She did this because the meds are not working well enough and she wonders if part of the problem is the dreary weather.  So far I am not completely sold on the idea.  It does make sense to me since I do notice a difference when I am able to get out in the sun.  But, can this little box really give me the same effect?  I am going to try it and find out.  Today is day three with the light box.  I do feel ok today.  But I am no sure if it is seeing the sun shining outside or the effects of the light box.  Maybe the light box needs more prolonged exposure over more days.  We shall see.



My husband and I have decided to take the side rail down on our son's crib.  He now has a toddler bed.  He was so very excited.  He now plays and watches movies in his room.  H is such a big boy now!  Where did the time go???  My baby is growing up. 

So far he has done very well at bedtime and nap time.  He does still protest as he still does not want to go to sleep.  But, he has stayed in his bed each time I put him down.  I am so impressed with my little one.  So proud!  And so sad.  He does not seem to need his momma so much anymore.  He even shuts the door on me when he wants to play in his room.  After I get his movie going he doesn't need me.  :(

My husband

My husband is wonderful!  I am not just saying this since he will probably read this.  He truly is a great husband and father.  As I have mentioned earlier, I have PTSD, depression and anxiety.  He works full time, helps with our son, and takes care of the house, yard and cars.  With my PTSD, depression and anxiety I have had problems with fatigue.  My depression and energy problems have taken their toll on the house.  Most of the time I am no able to get the house cleaned up.  Also, I still nap when my son does.  Yes, I know part of it is that I have a two year old.  He is into everything so it is hard to keep up with him and pick up after him. 

Other moms tell me not to be so hard on myself.  That all this is perfectly normal.  But, I still feel terrible that my husband works so hard outside the home and he doesn't even have a clean house to come home to.  I do see a counselor and a psychiatric nurse practitioner for my meds.  My counselor tells me just to work on one room a day to keep up.  Some days this is too much but, I am trying.  my psychiatric nurse practitioner has me on meds to help with the energy and staying awake.  And is also sending me a light box. Hopefully this will help on the gloomy days.

Even though other moms tell me that is normal to have a messy house with a two year old.  I still wonder if they are telling me the truth.  Do other moms really feel like this???  Do they have a hard time keeping their house clean and somewhat uncluttered???

My wonderful husband has stayed with me through all of this.  Not just stay with me but, helped me and supported me.  I love him very much and don't know what I would do without him.

TV

I am probably just like most women my age.  I have "my shows" that I have to watch.  Although, I don't get to watch them as often as I would like.  My son usually wins that battle of the remote.  So, instead of watching House, Desperate Housewives and the rest of "my shows", I find myself watching Rugrats, Veggie Tales, and Cars 2 over and over again.

I do miss my shows.  But, lately I have found I don't miss them so much.  WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME!!!!  Has watching cartoons all day everyday ruined me, made me crazy?!  It used to be that I had to watch my shows.  My husband would take my son and go play in another room so I could watch "my shows".  Lately I have found myself not reminding my husband that it is my night to watch my shows.  And I haven't been watching them online much either.  They just don't seem like much of a priority any more.  Every now and then I still watch "my shows" and my husband takes my son to play.  This usually happens when I need some mommy time.  As long as I don't start to enjoy all the kid shows too much, I think I will be OK.  :) 

Mommy time

Last night I went to a moms night out hosted by a local moms group.  There was food, vendors and entertainment.  It was a good time.  I went alone, I didn't have any mommy girlfriends to take with me.  Back to the lack of social skills thing again.  I did meet some other moms.  It was nice to get out and have some mommy time.  All of my family lives far away so my husband and I don't have any outside help for our son.  I am trying to take more time for myself.  I've found it is important to take time for myself so I can be a better mommy.   I need to recharge my batteries sometimes too.  It is hard to remember that when I am out.  It is hard not to feel guilty leaving my son at home with my husband.  My husband agrees that I need time to myself so, it isn't that.  It's just hard to take time for myself.

Social skills?????

Since returning from Iraq I feel I have lost my social skills.  Being a stay at home mommy has made that worse.  I find it hard to meet new people and make friends.  It is very easy to isolate myself and my son staying home.  I would hate for my son to suffer because of my lack of social skills.  We have joined  a moms group.  That has truly been a blessing.  The other moms are great and my son gets to play with the kids too.  They only meet twice a month.  I feel like we need more.  Where do I turn?  I am thinking about going to church more often.  That could be a place to meet other families.  This is a very scary thing.  Going to an unknown place to meet people.  I so much stress about such things.  It may sound silly.  But for the past 7 1/2 years I have not had control of my emotions and people skills.  I will have to force myself to do it for my son.  He means so much to me! 

It seems a simple thing to introduce yourself and meet new people.  To smile and make small talk.  I just freeze up or break out in a sweat.  I used to love to talk to people, on the phone, in person, just loved to talk.  Now I can't seem to open my mouth for simple conversation.

My son and I will be going back home to visit family.  I am going to try to practice on them.  This also may sound silly.  Practicing talking to family.  My husband usually goes with us and serves as a kind of buffer between me and his family.  He will not be going on this trip, so it is all up to me.  Don't get me wrong.  I love all my in-laws.  I just do better one on one.  My husband will not be there to start the conversations.  I will have to do this myself.  If all else fails I can always talk about my son.  He will be he star of the show! :) 

About me

Where to start?  I am a stay at home mommy.  I stay at home with my 2 1/2 year old son.  I am also happily married.  Let me back up a little bit.  Here is a little of my history.  I grew up on a cattle ranch in Wyoming.  I attended Eastern Wyoming College and received a Business Office Technology Certificate in 2000.  In 2001 I joined the Army National Guard.  I was a truck driver.   I met my husband in the National Guard an started dating in 2002.  He was also a truck driver.  In 2003 we were deployed to Iraq until 2004.  While in Iraq we cleared areas for new troop camps, hauled rubble, filled in canals and went on convoys.  When we got back from Iraq in 2004 I went to Black Hills Beauty College and graduated in 2006. 

Since returning from Iraq I have struggled with PTSD, depression and anxiety.  I am writing about being a stay at home mommy struggling with PTSD, depression and anxiety.  It is an adventure!  I am very blessed to be able to stay at home with my son.

Recently my son and I have joined a MOPS group.  I decided it was a good time for both of us to get some social interaction.  MOPS has become a blessing.  My son loves playing with the other kids.  And I love getting to visit with other moms.  It is wonderful to interact with like minded women.  I have been isolating myself for far too long.  Struggling with PTSD it is way too easy to isolate and lose your social skills. 

I think that is enough for today.  Bye for now.